The Chronic Lesbian

I used to be a vegetarian, actually closer to vegan, before I found out I had Pernicious Anemia (PA). I still cook ovo/pesco-vegetarian from time to time. Lately, I've been eating a lot of lean meats, like chicken and turkey. They are good for you. But today, I noticed that I feel extra-fatigued and was craving a hamburger. Craving red meat isn't normal for me. So, that's when I knew the PA was kicking in.

Instead of my vegetable soup for lunch, I had a roast beef hoagie at WaWa. I felt a bit better. But I didn't have red meat for dinner and I am craving it again. I take a liquid B12 supplement, but I've missed a few days because of the holidays - I have to get back on track! Usually the mix of meat and supplements are enough, but I've been missing both.

Basically, PA is an autoimmune disease that prevents vitamin B12 from being properly absorbed by the body. It is not just a B12 deficiency. Many people with PA have some type of digestive issue - like gastroparesis, gerd, colitis, gastritis, ulcerative colitis, crohn's, and celiac. People with IBS only are usually not affected by this problem. Basically, what happens is that because of these conditions, the body can't digest B12 properly (malabsorption) because they are lacking the cells to do so. Also, some medicines used to treat stomach conditions can cause a problem, such as nexium and prilosec for gerd.

B12 is a water-soluable vitamin. It's not something the body makes or stores for long periods of time. It needs to be replenished. B12 is found is large amounts in red meat and liver. It is also found in eggs, but eggs also contain a compound that stops B12 digestion. Other B12 rich foods include clams, trout, salmon, and diary products.

There are many signs of B12 deficiency - fatigue, weakness, constipation, loss of appetite, soreness, confusion, and depression. Because these symptoms are not specific and can be related to many illnesses, it is hard to diagnose. Most of the time, people find out they have it when checking for other medical issues. I found out when I was in the hospital for cysts on my liver and kidneys. It showed in my bloodwork. I was given constant injections to build my levels back up. Blood tests can show PC, but they are not always correct. A person with PC can have normal or even high levels of B12 and will still have PC.

The National Institutes of Health have a really good webpage on B12 and PC -
http://ods.od.nih.gov/factsheets/vitaminb12.asp

In my past post on Fat Acceptance, I mentioned a form of discrimination in the Fat Community based on the reason why someone is fat. However I noticed another form of discrimination in the community and it's relation and parallel to the Lesbian Community and Femmes.

The other form of discrimination is based on size. In my journey through Fat blogs, forums, and communities, I have noticed some discrimination against people who are a size 12, 14, 16 and even 18. They are seen as not being fat enough and are often excluded from fully participating in the community. I respect and understand the need for larger women, like myself (sizes 20 and up) to have a safe community for ourselves. But excluding size 12-18 women is prejudice. It's the opposite of what fat activism and size acceptance are all about. It's alienating a group of fat people based on their size when all they are doing is being themselves.

The same prejudice can be seen in the Lesbian community in regards to Femmes and Feminine Lesbians. Femmes (myself included here too) are seen as encouraging or supporting hetero-normative standards because of their dress. We don't fit the current Lesbian stereotype. Like our size 12-18 counterparts, we are excluded based on appearance/physical attributes. The truth is Femmes seek to rebel against the status quo while remaining to true to themselves. We want to show that the stereotypes aren't always right. That's our rebellion and contribution to the Lesbian community.

I had a Occupational Therapy appointment today. It was really good. The Therapist is very good with hands and fingers, which are a problem spot. I may need finger splints. It turns out that I bend my first knuckle backwards - often without thinking. Right now, I am wearing a special tape to help discourage my fingers from bending that way, but it's not enough - my joints are just too loose.

Some examples:

Over at Facebook, my friend Leslie Freeman "has been journaling about size acceptance, body pride, and disordered eating in disability community (especially where it intersects with fat community)." She was opening up a dialogue. I wrote a note for her to start the conversation and I am posting it here. I've added a bit to it and expanded the note. It's ultra-honest, so keep that in mind when reading.

I'm dealing with fat and body issues on the medical end - and it's really had me look closer at the ways I am treated and how I treat myself. I thought the only place my weight was a factor was in attracting a lover and romantic relationships. But I now can look back at work or medical situations where it influenced others and caused them to judge me. I was blissfully ignorant until now.

Today on the way home, I caught my reflection in some glass on the train. For the first time, I looked at that reflection and wondered what people saw. Did they see me as a writer, chronically ill babe, lesbian, femme, lover, blogger, artist, reader, honest, friend, daughter, sister, animal lover, and all the other characteristics that make me an individual or did they just see a fat girl on the train and that's it?

I thought I was pretty accepting of my size, it's something I've lived with most of my life. However, I realize I might accept it, but I am not proud of my body at all. I was taught not to be. I envy my friends who have that pride and look to them as inspiration. I find it's hard when you're told that you are disgusting and deserve to be treated with less respect as someone who is much thinner. Being thin is always presented as the magic key that fixes everything - I would be pretty, happy, healthy, shinning, with a great job and lovers falling at my feet. Why people still say this is beyond me, since it has been proven over and over again to be wrong.

I don't think that I am so much a victim of disordered eating. Although to be honest, anytime someone slams me for my weight, I lose any appetite I have and feel sick when I even think about eating. It's a reflex and passes once I calm down thankfully. So, I can see how easy it would be to have an eating disorder, like anorexia.

I think that the disability community as a whole shows more compassion and acceptance for fat people, but there is still discrimination. I see it when people start comparing disabilities, as if there is a better way to be disabled.

I also see different types of discrimination in the fat community. I'm even guilty of it. For example, I can say that I am overweight because of heredity and thyroid problems. That doesn't make me better than another person who is fat for a different reason. It's like saying "I'm better than you. I can't help it, but what's your problem?" I try to be aware of when I am thinking that and try to change my behavior and attitude, but it's hard, since it's an "acceptable" form of prejudice and the most insidious. But it's important that I do it, since it helps to stop a cycle a prejudice.

Today is World AIDS Day. There are about 33 million people living with AIDS - making it a true epidemic. By far, most infected people live in Africa.

The World Health Organization released a statement yesterday stating that AIDS is the leading cause of death and disease among women ages 15 to 44 worldwide. This startling statistic comes from the WHO's first study into Women's Health. Unsafe sex, lack of contraception, and iron deficiencies are listed as the top 3 causes.

This breaks my heart - AIDS is a preventable illness, yet there are so many who don't have the information or resources to stop it from spreading. While there is no successful vaccine right on - there is hope yet for one.

AIDS (and related issues) is responsible for about 8,500 deaths a day. It has taken so many talented and wonderful people, such as Freddie Mercury, Ryan White, Liberace, Tom Fogarty (of CCR), Arthur Ashe, Issac Asimov, Perry Ellis, Rock Hudson, Pedro Zamora, and so many more.

Take a moment of silence to reflect on those who have passed on and continue to suffer. Or better yet - celebrate their lives.


I've always loved Freddie Mercury. His music is full of love and passion. He represented freedom. And also the strength to be who you are - and to share that with the world freely and honestly. So, I plan to celebrate his life today by listening to Queen and enjoying his music. I also think my little cat Pixie likes him too. I was watching some Queen videos on Youtube and she was so riveted by Freddie's voice and the videos. She was even swaying a bit. It was so cute.

Here's a few of my favorite songs:
Under Pressure (with David Bowie)

Crazy Little Thing Called Love

Who Wants to Live Forever (which is the most moving of all their songs & the one that almost always makes me cry)

Killer Queen

Somebody to Love